Christmas

Week one of unemployment went somewhat well. It didn't feel too much like any other vacation from work since practically everyone else was off for the holidays and will be next week as well. Christmas was nice and low-key. Pictured below is the roast lamb we ate for dinner. Not very pretty with the blood dripping all around, but it was delicious! Brian dressed and roasted it and made a lovely jus with the bones. I also made a cheescake that cracked like the Grand Canyon down the center (as usual) so I didn't take any photos. Everyone did say it was delicious and had seconds, so I take that as the best compliment.

Everything seems to be falling frighteningly fast in place for going to California. I now have places to stay for free, people who will show me around, free storage of my stuff until I find a job and living arrangements. Not one person has responded less than enthusiastically about the whole idea.

I'm very excited. In the bigger picture sense, this is right and will get me closer to some of my long term goals. Let me repeat, I am happy this is happening.

That being said, I've been overwhelmed with feelings of fear and grief about not working and not having that one sure thing. I know that sounds ludicrous. Intellectually, I know its no big deal, really I do. No one has died and no one I know is going to let me become homeless. My subconcious is on another planet however. I think my job has been the only presence in my life that really didn't change since I've moved to NY. When I stop moving (I seem to have "distraction from reality" as my innate superpower) I feel that sensation of free-falling. Sort of flailing about with life whooshing past my face and I have no idea where the floor is or when I might land. I'm having a tough time getting comfortable with this feeling.

Earlier in the week, when I said the definitive phrase outloud to someone "I'm moving to San Francisco", I suddenly couldn't catch my breath and my chest felt like I was 10 feet underwater. I think I almost passed out. No one noticed thankfully, but I think that it was some sort of a panic attack. I'm no doctor and the extent of my knowledge on panic attacks is from the Sopranos, so I could be wildly wrong.

I am always excited by a new adventure and the opportunity for new stories to unfold. I seem to be harping on the negative lately, but there are a lot of positive aspects.

I get to spend this week still somewhat in vacation mode with New Year's fast approaching and most of my friends and family are off this week again. Next week might be a bit of a test for me since I'll need the organization and the motivation to get the ball rolling in preparation. Wish me luck! or Wish me motivation!

Unemployment

Ahhhh, hello adulthood. I was laid off from employment for the first time in my life, this past Friday. It was thanks to that bastard Madoff and of course the timing couldn't be worse. I love that it's just before the holidays and of course I lost my first coveted hedge fund bonus, not to mention he stole last year's bonus since I was forced to put it back into the fund. However, I can't help but be thankful to be off for the holidays.

Since I knew it was coming, there wasn't as many hard feelings as I think some of my former co-workers were experiencing. That is until Saturday morning arrived. This is when I promptly began freaking out about not having income coming in and realizing that all my plans for the next few months were ruined. I was also thinking that everything seemed to be going wrong in my life lately and that this was just the icing on the cake.

Sunday morning, I woke up got a hold of myself and realized how ridiculous I was being. My mind began to race on all the options I had without a dumb job holding me back. I celebrated by laying in bed for an extra thirty minutes listening to my neighbors get up and start their morning rituals.

First , I have to mention that the walls in my apartment building are paper thin. Upstairs is a couple and the guy apparently has big feet that weigh like 30lbs each. The poor guy must hate the fact that its so hard to put his feet down slowly since they are so heavy. This guy loves to sing to himself though as he's getting dressed. This makes his overgrown feet noises less loud as I find it quite charming. However, when I hear them laughing and giggling in bed together all happy like, it does make me want to throw shoes at the ceiling.

Next Door, is like a 6ft single guy who travels a lot. I always know he's away by the packages piling up at his door everyday. He must have some online shopping addiction as the packages are ALWAYS piling up (even when its not Christmas). I always know when he's home because he likes to slam his front door to announce his arrival and his bed is just on the other side of mine and I think he likes to bring women home as souvenirs at 2 am.

Sunday morning, as I layed in bed, I heard the birds going bonkers outside the window next to my bed (don't they fly south in the winter? wtf), Upstairs' alarm clock going off and the buzzing blackberry on the floor, and Next Door rolling over in his bed. Yes I know when he's rolling over in bed. As I realized my major freak out was over and that I needed to figure out what to do with all my new-found free-time, I promptly made a cup of tea and crawled back into bed. I was fortunate to be able to read uninterrupted for about 4 hours. WHOA. Four hours. I got halfway through Eat Pray Love. Amazing way to start the day.

Then the real shit started to happen in my head. Ideas began flooding my little pea brain until I couldn't take it anymore. Ideas for photo projects, ideas about selling all my belongings, ideas about how to better see the city during the day, ideas about how to incorporate more music and art into my life, ideas about embracing the alone time that I've desperately needed to incorporate into my life. How I could become a better person, live a less cluttered life, and remember what's important.

Then it came to me. I've been toying with moving to California for the past three years. This past year it became more of a possibilty since my closest family wants to move there as well. Typically, I would be the one to stay behind and be reliable while someone else went into the unknown and got setup. However, this time, it seems that life is giving me an opportunity to be the forward person. Its a scary prospect given what I know about myself, but maybe I don't really know myself anymore. So I've decided to do it. I haven't figured out all the logistics yet, but I have made the decision and I feel good about it so far. Everyone I've bounced this idea off of seems to agree with me.

Crap, I'm scared.

Tribeca - the rest of the movies

This is the rest my Tribeca film post that I never finished.

I didn't see a single award winner, but I did enjoy quite a few movies. Only one was an outright mistake... Most of these were in other languages (English, Dutch/Turkish, Arabic, Russian, Chinese, and Korean, Spanish/French) so I spent a lot of time reading subtitles.

• Hotel Gramercy Park - documentary about the hotel and prob my fav out of all the below.
• Bart Got a Room - Cheryl Hines, william H. Macy - prom night gone wrong.
• Yonkers Joe - another Chaz P. NY story but good. Almost literally smacked into Chaz P as we both turned the same corner.
• A Bronx Tale - okay, this is a replay, but Robert De Niro and Chaz P were on-hand to discuss after.
• Fighter - Turkish girl living in Denmark wants to study Kung Fu but parents won't let her.
• Three Kingdoms - based on one character from the epic book out of China.
• Miky Way Liberation Front - quirky korean flick, just supporting the director.
• The Aquarium - this was the boring mistake.
• The Chicken, The Fish and the King Crab - documentary about the spanish team going to the Bocuse d'Or food competition.
• Simple Things - about a russian anesthetist and bad stuff happens to him.
• Bitter and Twisted - sad and heavy movie about grief.
• Lost Indulgence - call girl gets taken care of by the wife/son of her lover who died.
• Universe of Keith haring - doc on the artist and his legacy.

Plus I saw XXY which was not part of the festival, but was playing nearby and really interesting all the same. It is a coming of age story of a 15yr hermaphrodite living in Venezuela (or Brazil). And I skipped 3 of my movies out of sheer exhaustion. I had wanted to see so many more, but alas, I had to work. A bunch of my friends saw the Run for Your Life movie (without me). Everyone agreed that Marathon the Movie was better (that I did see).

I also saw a small handful of D-list celebrities which was kinda fun. I'm not the star-struck type, but cool to see what some of these people look like in real life. Overall a fun NY event.